Monday, 29 September 2008

Less of a day.... and a demon closing in on me

Today I feel hopeless, useless, futureless and just about any other less I can think of.....

About once a week I have a day like this, where I wonder what the hell I'm doing, and why I'm doing it. Why didn't I just get a job, why don't I get a job...... While I had a minimal income until recently now the cash flow is barely dribbling and everything is resting on my shoulders. Who can live without income? How do you pay the bills, repair the car or replace it, do anything in life other than just exist...

What happens if my money runs out and I can no longer contribute to the bills? The financial stress is a demon, chasing me just as fast as it can, and I'm so tired of running from it. How much longer can I keep up the pace?

I've invested so much time, energy and money. And it all comes down to the money. It is an investment that I do not make alone, at least not monetarily....

But at what point does the price become too high, the risk too great, the consequences too far reaching? At what point are the repercussions no longer worth it? At what point is the return on the investment no longer high enough? At what point do I give up and just go get a job? Any job...

Do I spend my time racing to the finish line, or searching for work? I've never felt more passionate about anything I've done in the past, I believe in this, I want it to work. Or do I just want to have my cake and eat it too.....

Will I take my children to Australia this year? Alone? They have not seen their grandmother or most of my family for almost two years but precious resources cannot be spent on me and my whims. And bills need to be paid. The car needs to be replaced.

Will I ever be able to say - I told you so! You didn't believe in me, or my ideas, but I did! ? Will I ever be able to look them in the eye and say HUH!! I wasn't just playing around!!! Will I ever be able to look back and say - it was a tough time but it was worth it?

Will I ever be able to turn around and slay the demon, the very demon that has been chasing me for years, the one that is closing in on me?


  1. Well if it's any comfort you're not alone, I feel exactly the same way, the difference being that I've at least had 15 years of living my dream already! I find myself thinking that maybe I've had my share & that it's time to grow up, let the dream go & just get a bread job. It's hard though cos' after 15 years all I really know how to do is be in a band & I realize how institutionalized I've become, that & I also don't want to give up just because it's difficult right now, plenty of bands never even get close to where we've been & still keep going!!! Most of all I think I just need some proof from somewhere that I have something to offer, appreciation & approval that I'm capable of holding a job a little more inspiring & worthy than say Mc Donalds! It isn't easy!

    I have to say that I find your focus & vision very inspiring & you seem to really know what you want & you're heading for it even if you don't always feel that way yourself, I think you'll make it if you just keep at it, but the question is as you said yourself, how much longer can you keep doing it before you give in?

  2. Det är bara att försöka ta ett steg i taget. Inte lätt men ibland när man ser på allt samtidigt så blir det för mycket...

    Nicole ditt arbete är fantastiskt och jag älskar förändringarna du gjort på bloggen : )

    Kram Klara

  3. Everything you said resonates very loud in my head - as if I am reading my own trial.

    I am in the exact same position, more or less, after having worked a whole year for the radio, now am on my own with a household to support.

    Taking a leap at a time in a place that runs at snail pace. I have reached beyond a point of no return.

    I see people with 1% of my qualifications and social skills get jobs or projects I applied for, simply because contacts come before quality.

    The only comfort is that, it should only get better.

    Good luck, keep believing because that is the biggest asset anyone can have.

    IT's a bad month for aquarians, any how.

  4. Thank you all for your response. I know I am not alone.

  5. You are not alone. Having read your blog I realise the depths of your despair. It is truly wrenching.

    Take inspiration from your headline - Uncovering life in Stockholm, Sweden. For better or worse.

    Take the support of your local friends - and those far away.

    Nothing is forever. And if that means getting ANY job to get you through - do it. You can only seek your dreams if you have shelter, food and good health.

  6. Hi Nic, gee I hear you sister. I think this is another of lifes great mysteries. PS I love the way that you write its fantastic.... Keep plugging away. Dottie