My baby girl is no more. Makaila turns 7!

This time 7 years ago we were rushing around with a little babe, organising citizenship papers, passports, packing and getting used to the whole idea of having a baby girl. She was just 4 weeks old when we flew to Australia, which was kind of daring of us now that I think about it. But then I tempted fate too when I booked ballet tickets for the day she was due. Haha! What baby is born on their due date?

Mum was here helping me with everything and actually thinking back things were pretty calm. We took everything in our stride. It was close, getting the Australian passport was the closest shave, but they rushed it through for us. The poor kid was born stateless, all three of her citizenships had to be applied for. Neither of us were Swedes at the time so I included her in my application the following year, but applying for her Canadian and Australian ones was fairly straightforward.

So now she is 7, and while her life might be light years apart from what mine was at her age, not just because of the geographical differences, I feel like I know what it is like to be her. I remember being a little girl about her age, I remember the joys, the pains, the fears and hopes for the future. For the first time I look at her and I see myself, I recognise her, I recognise where she is at. It's a weird feeling, but its also a comforting feeling. Somehow we are closer.

Makaila was really excited about turning 7, probably even more so because as a November baby she is one of the last in her class to have a birthday. The intake runs from January to February here so some of the kids will turn 8 in about 6 weeks. I remember that feeling too, February babies in Australia are also towards the end of the intake year.

She was doubly excited because this year she was going to celebrate with her best friend from school, born just two days earlier - and in the same hospital too. We can only wonder if we said "hi" to each other passing in the corridors of the ward... The girls have known each for a few years but they were in different groups at daycare and it is only since they started school that they have become really good friends. They are as different in their personalities as in their appearance but they have found each other, and it is lovely to watch the friendship between these gorgeous girls grow.

It is a tradition in Sweden to wake the birthday child (young and old) up by going into their bedroom singing and carrying a cake with candles on it along with their presents. We haven't followed the tradition to its full extent but we do sing for her and she got to open a couple of presents at the breakfast table.

Then it was time for school where they sang for her and gave her a birthday card. The two girls were later celebrated at the after-school care where they sang, ate cake and gave each of them a present, a little rose quartz stone..

Finally an excited child filled with anticipation came home to the rest of her family presents.

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Her big present from us was her new bike (thanks to Yvonne and Yvette!!) and she was absolutely thrilled with it - as was her brother who thinks it is just like a motorbike. It has gears on the right handle bar, just like the throttle on a bike, so he is convinced and can't wait for her to grow out of it! I think it is pretty cool that she has a real "Aussie" bike all the way from Melbourne.

She got a book from her bro and a few other bits and pieces from us, packages arrived from Australia from Mormor, as well as her cousin and aunts, and a present from Grandma in Canada.

The day didn't end there, friends knocked at the door to say Happy Birthday and returned again after dinner for a play while the adults got to chat and have a couple of drinks.

The next day was her party where she and her friend were joined by most of the girls from their class. It was a glorious day and the photo of the kids on the trampoline looks surreal after all the gray days in November.

We celebrated with games, present giving, candle-holder decorating and typical Swedish birthday party "cake" - merangue, banana, chocolate sauce and ice-cream. The girls (and a couple of little brothers) had a great afternoon.

We left there in time to come home for a "family" party, with our adopted Swedish families. More celebrations, presents, cake and lots of hugs.

This year's cake was made by her dad. They chose it together, he baked and iced it under her supervision and my guidance. It has become a great birthday tradition with each year being a new design. The kids love looking through the cake books and making their choice as much as the love the finished product. This year the icing was more like cheesecake than in the past and it was pretty good.
The guests enjoyed Ty's freshly baked sour dough too!

I have no doubt that this will be a birthday she will remember, long into her old age. It was an action packed weekend that started Friday night with friends dropping in and ended Sunday night with another friend's birthday party. A fantastic weekend of festivities, fun, friends, food and haha!!, I can't think of any more Fs.

Monday she finally got a chance to get out and ride her bike, and the sun shone in her honor!

My little Makaila with her upturned nose in no longer a baby, a toddler or a little girl, but has grown into a lovely school girl who is a pleasure to spend time with. It is amazing and a joy to watch her grow. She is bright, optimistic and easy-going, stubborn but thoughtful, emotional but rational, both serious and silly. She is a delight - but then I'm her mother right! Haha!, ask me in a couple of years!

Women on the run from family life

There was a very interesting article in SvD on the weekend as a prelude to the Swedish annual Book Fair that starts this week. Three books are due to be released in the next couple of months, by three women about three women who have fled their own domestication.

Ironic that this article and these books come at a time when Anna Anka is making headlines and filling the online forums, debate sites and article comments. The rest of the world probably doesn’t know who Anna Anka is but here in Sweden she is blowing up a storm with her traditional opinions about the role of men and women.

Picture: The Local

Read more .......

VAB, swine flu and the Swedish medical system

I have a sick boy. He lay on the couch for two days with a temperature, dozing on and off, watching tv and hardly eating a morsel. Monday, day 1, he was a bit sniffly and complained every now and again of a sore throat and sore ears, only later to announce when questioned that No, they didn't hurt. His main symtoms have been tiredness and a fever.

Then on Wednesday he fell asleep under the kitchen table just after 5pm and slept through to the next morning. Thursday he slept for almost 3 hours during the day and was still tired. So today, Friday I decided that perhaps I'd better ring the doctor and get him checked out - perhaps it isn't just a virus but something more serious.

To get a doctor's appointment on the day you need to ring the nurse at the local clinic and she calls you back - which they did after almost an hour. I outlined his symtoms and she asked what it was I was wanting(!) Of course I was wanting to make an appointment for him to be checked out. She then went through a questionnaire that she had in front of her and clearly it was a "swine flu screening questionnaire". They don't want anyone in there who has shown swine flu syptoms in the last 7 days, she informed me. She would leave a message for the doctor to ring me back sometime today.

Sweden is reaching the peak for the outbreak of Swine Flu, according to an article today in The Local, and the government hope to vaccinate some 90% of the population. Ever since it was announced that the vaccine would be freely available to all I've been pondering this attempt to thwart a local pandemic and I can only put it down to the cost of VAB and sickness benefits.

VAB stands for Vård Av Barn - or child care - the type of caring for a child when they are sick, the type of caring I've been doing this week. You see the government pays me 80% of my salary up to a certain amount when I am "vabbing" or caring for my sick child. They pay it every day I am at home with my child and there is no need for a doctor's certificate unless they are off for longer than a week. Their only demand is an explanation and a signed document from school or daycare saying that the child has been away. And there is no limit to how many days a year a child can be off sick. It must cost the state an absolute fortune. Compare that to a system where the parent gets nothing for staying home with a sick child - how sick must a kid be then to justify a day without pay??

Adults also get sickness benefits. The first day off is without benefits but after that they receive 80% of their salary. A doctor's certificate is needed after a week and again there is no limit on the number of sick days a person can have off in a year, although questions do get asked after a while.

We have a long winter in this country and for six months of the year viruses run rampant and both kids and adults are regularly at home with colds, coughs and flus. If the swine flu hits Sweden like they are anticipating it will it will without doubt lead to a serious budget blow-out. Add that to the already high unemployment levels (also get 80% of salary with exceptions) and the Swedish economy is going to take quite a beating!

No wonder the Swedish government is both willing and hoping to vaccinate 90% of the population - I just wonder how anyone will get a doctor's certificate when the doctors clearly don't want anything to do with those of us who are sick!

More information available in English from Försäkringskassan http://www.forsakringskassan.se/sprak/eng

Reproduced from the Live In Sweden Blog!

Schools, Students, Parents & Teachers. Curling in Sweden

Curling is a term that seems to have evolved here, and for good reason. It comes from an analogy with the sport of curling, people rushing ahead of children, frantically sweeping the path clean of even the most minor obstructions.

I've wanted to write about this subject many times but I get so frustrated and angry that I end up putting it on the back-burner and leaving it for another time. I'm not so sure I'm going to be any more successful this time either - but here goes.

This is a bit of an education household - it is our past and our present. My other interest in education comes from my research. We have had many a discussion about methods, attitudes and the education systems in the four countries we have worked in.

Anyway, the stories that I hear  Uuggghhh!!!! I don't even know where to start......... And all the time Skolverket (education department) put the blame on everyone but themselves - the teachers, the students, the parents, the independent schools - yet some of the stuff that they come up with makes me think they need their heads read!!!!

I've written before about how the need to attract students has a major effect on the running of schools. But sadly that is not the end of it - the stories I hear of parents ever so eager to have their child succeed are very worrying - in their desire to protect their children they really screw things up - for themselves and for others.

There are a lot of really healthy attitudes towards bringing up children in this country - and there are a lot of really healthy attitudes towards education - in many ways they are much healthier than what I know and see in both our countries. But I have to say that on the whole the approach is pretty soft. Boundaries are neither set nor adhered to - I see it and I feel it all around me and it scares me. And sometimes it makes me really, really angry.

But I will leave it here for now, perhaps another time I will dare to delve through all the issues that have come to light in the last few years, all the points of frustration, contemplation and sheer wonder - and I don't mean that in a positive way. And I know systems are changing around the world as many countries struggle to get a grip of how to run education - but in discussions with teaching friends around the world they are usually left with a gaping mouth.....

Typically when the pendulum swings from one way of thinking it goes to the other extreme until it comes back to the middle, to a position of balance. The Swedish education system is going through a crisis - I just hope the time comes when we have balance in Sweden, otherwise how will these kids ever cope in the real world? Or will we just continue to see a growth in the numbers of people who are burnt out and more of the lost generation - a term used to describe those born in the 80s?

Australian-Swedish Abduction Case

Stories like this make my stomach churn (click on the pictures below).

A tragedy, for all concerned. Especially the children.
(thanks Marie).

International Custody Battles

I went to bed last night thinking of all those I have met over the years, friends and acquaintances.

When a couple separates the children generally stay in the country they reside in, unless the parents come to some other sort of agreement. Here is my list:

• one who stayed here for the sake of her son only to have him move to Switzerland with his father and new wife. Her son was then a teen so he could make his own decision. This woman is an inspiration, she got on with her life and made the most of the situation right from the beginning. A good relationship with her ex-inlaws helped her along the way.

• one who came home late one night to find her things outside the front door and the locks changed. She got to see her infant son every second weekend for the first year or so. She too is an inspiration, after many difficult years she got on with her life and made the most of it. Today her teenage son lives exclusively with her, despite years of going back and forth between his parents, one week at a time.

• one who stayed and made a life for himself in Stockholm, only to have his ex-wife take the kids and move to the north of Sweden, severely limiting his time with his children.

• one who was refused a passport for her daughter (father wouldn't sign the papers) and was unable to take the children home to see their grandparents and other family members.
  

• one whose son ran away from his mother, making his way back to his father because that was where he wanted to be, despite a court ruling stating otherwise. The police came and forced their way into the bathroom where the 11 year old had locked himself in, taking the child back to his mother.

• one who was so miserable and without hope here he packed up and went home, hoping his wife would follow with the children to keep the family together. Eventually she did.
  

• One left her 3 year old son here with his father and took their 1 year old daughter home with her.
  

• and then there was the case of the woman who was killed by her husband, chopped into pieces and thrown into the frozen lake because she threatened to take the kids and leave the country.

Apart from the last, these are people I personally know. There are countless others out there. They all moved to Sweden to be with their partner, and stayed to be with their child or children. The fear of the child/children being kidnapped and taken back to the other country seems to be a common theme, even if an unrealistic one. The Hague Convention, a quick phone call to the airport and agreements between governments and police forces all stand in the way of kidnapping in reality. Still, there are always those who do manage to get away with it, and articles in Swedish SvD and SVT talk of the growing numbers of kidnapped children in Sweden. Probably because there is a growing number of international relationships.

I met a young guy last night, his girlfriend is Australian and planning on moving here next year. I (lightly) asked him if realises how complicated they are making their lives, how much more difficult it becomes. He laughed and said, yes, they had already seen that.

I paint a dismal picture, I've also been here a long time and met a lot of people. No matter what the circumstances these stories are all personal tragedies for those concerned, especially for the children. One of my friends thinks young couples should be made aware of the risks of international relationships. My advice? Stay at home and marry the boy or the girl next door, life is complicated enough without adding to it. Don't take the risk. Either that or find a neutral country to live in.

But then again, who wants an easy life? Of the stories I tell all of them have been an inspiration to me, in one way or another. To live in and make their way through a system that is not their own, to make a life for themselves despite their own personal tragedies.

I have met many, many more who have happy stories. Because after all. love endures all, right? And I have to confess, I wouldn't change my life or my decisions one little bit.....

Fathers and Equality in Sweden

"It is much easier to become a father than to be one."
-- Kent Nerburn (Letters to My Son: Reflections on Becoming a Man)

While on the subject of fatherhood I can say that over the years I have met many, many who have been stranded in Sweden, in order to be with their children, despite a longing to go home and a struggle to make a place for themselves here. I’ve also met both men and women who have separated their children in order to return home, those who have separated from their children in order to leave Sweden and many, many more who fear the outcome of separation, and the choices and difficulties this would bring.

Separation and custody issues are difficult enough. Add to that the challenge of being a foreigner and not having the same support network around you that you might have had at home. Then there is the fact that being foreign never seems to be in your favour when it comes to court cases, custody battles and the like. Being a foreign father seems to make things all the more worse. Many, many of those I have met over the years will vouch for this, unfortunately.

While there is no support group for foreign parents fighting custody battles, I have heard many utter a desire for one. Perhaps one day there will be one.

There is however a Swedish group fighting for the rights of children to have both their parents and providing a network for those in need - headed by second generation migrant Michael Alonzo.


I first read about Michael in this SvD article, he is also the author of Ge inte up (don't give up). His book started as a letter to his son, in case he never saw him again. Michael describes how his son's mother kidnapped him and went underground and what happened afterwards. He wanted to let him know how much he fought for them to be reunited, how much he loved him. Thankfully there is a happy ending, his perserverance paid off.

According to statistics there are a growing number of Swedish children living with their single fathers. There are more and more men fighting to be with their children. Not just in Sweden.

Fathers, Sweden & Child Support

I read this story a couple of days ago and it touched me so much I decided to share it with you.

I find it interesting that I have been divorced from my first husband for almost 17 years now, and during that time I did everything I could to get him to pay child support for my oldest son. But Washington never could find him, not even after I gave them his parents' address. My son has never met his dad and he never got child support. Needless to say, times were hard. Extremely. But I pushed on. Now, here I am in another country. Things aren't perfect, but they are a hell of a lot better than they were. We have medical. Never had it, couldn't afford it. We have a decent apartment. I won't go there. Generally, things are ok....Not perfect. But ok.

My Swedish MIL pushed us to fill out paper work, because somehow she believed that Sweden would go after my ex. How? How when I am not Swede, my son is not Swede, and my ex is not even human. Ok, uncalled for. But you get the idea. Well, guess what, we filled out the paperwork....Not only did they find him (why couldn't Washington or Georgia??!!), but they are going after him for child support and back-payment of child support.

Once again I ask, why couldn't Georgia and Washington????

I miss my home, but because they didn't pursue it, we struggled in ways that I care never to go through again. We are in no way considered rich by Swedish standards...We don't own a car, we don't get to travel for vacations, we don't have the latest model of anything. I live in a rented apartment that isn't big enough to cuss a cat in, yet we are living better than we did back in the States. It is my home and I miss it, but why could they not bother to go after him? There were times I couldn't afford shoes for my son, or pay for field trips. I worked two graveyard shifts at two different gas stations to pay bills, and put clothes on him. That child support could have helped us in such a big way.

I'm a bit angry and bitter. I have that right too because there were times I almost couldn't feed him and pay the bills. Then a country that owes us nothing is stepping up to bat to try and get the child support that was owed? What’s wrong with this picture?

When the guy called, he was all apologetic because they are going to try and get the full amount, but because it has been a long time (17 years), he doesn't know if they can get it all. He told us that my ex has the right to contest it, but because there is an agreement between Sweden and the US he can't escape it.

I spent several years letting the anger and resentment towards my ex overwhelm me. Then I got too busy supporting my son and his father faded away from my thoughts. Then when my son was 10 he told me that he had a father only in name, "because if he really cared for me then he would be here. He would want to see me." He never met his father, only talked to him on the phone occasionally, only when he wanted to borrow money from me. He hasn't given him much thought since. Neither have I. The anger, bitterness, resentment, and hatred was nothing because he was nothing. But just hearing it, brought it all back to me. All the hard times, the tears, the sick feeling of dread when my son would come to me for something he wanted, or needed.

No man or woman has the right to brush away their responsibility for the child they helped to create. They shouldn't be allowed to hide. They should be held responsible....its just a shame another country is making mine step up to the plate.

I can find fault with Sweden....and usually on one of my truly homesick days, I rant to my husband about all the faults of Sweden. But when it comes down to it, I do have to say, Sweden has done by good by the children. I'm going to go and watch a movie, think about all of this and most likely just shake my head. I can't understand it, but am grateful all the same. I had to vent because...well, because I had to and because I don't understand why it is taking another country to catch up with this dead beat "dad".

I still miss Washington, and it will always be home. But at this point and time, Sweden is a much better place for me and my family. I guess there, my husband was right....just don't tell him that….


The best thing is I have is my son. I got to watch him grow. We have had some issues of late, but I can still see the baby, the toddler, the boy, that he was, and I can see the hint of the man that he will be.

"The father who does not teach his son his duties is equally guilty with the son who neglects them.”-- Confucius

Reproduced and edited with permission from the author. Click on the picture for some great father quotes.

Another year begins

another school year at least. Ty is at his kick-off tonight and the kids have had their first two days back. They are loving it, thank goodness!

Kieran has a new room and a couple of new friends. And he has Jofes.

Joseph has been with us all summer, he has been Kieran's imaginary friend. They do everything together and Jofes has everything. That big truck over there, that's Jofes' and we just went for a big drive in it, down the hill really fast and crashed at the bottom, bang! It was really fun! And he laughs and waves his arms about and rolls his eyes as he feels the story, he lives in his stories.

Kieran is a story-teller, like his father, and his father before him. They are long, they are elaborate and he is very expressive.

And he is very happy to be back playing with Joseph. They are older, the big boys of the group, Kieran can communicate better and there is no longer any competition for Joseph's friendship. He laughed tonight as he told me what the two of them did together today. He has settled. He no longer runs to his sister when they are all outside together. It is a relief to see him enjoying himself so much.

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Makaila is very happy to be back at Lillgården. She is getting big now, and she knows it. She is almost six now, and she knows it. She is getting a real attitude.

She knows she is one of the oldest kids there, she knows they will be doing special activities this year, she knows she will start school next year, the year she turns 7. Actually there isn't much she doesn't know (and she's not even 13 yet!!)

Most of her peers are starting school this year, but in the Waldorf daycares they tend to do the preparation for school at daycare and that is good for her, having only done one full year there so far. Her confidence can afford another year, even if we then have the attitude to contend with. It is a good, safe environment for her to continue learning Swedish, and to come out of her shell.

She has friends, she is settled, she is proud of herself and her achievements, she is a happy girl and that makes me a happy mum.

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And I am happy because daycare brings with it such a lovely community.

Kangaroo Care

My niece was born in week 28 of my sister's pregnancy, 12 weeks premature. I was here in Sweden at the time and mum sent me multitudes of photos so I could follow what was happening. I have an album here that the kids look at occasionally.

I can hardly look at the photos.....

To see this infant, my niece, so tiny, so fragile. Weighted down those first hours so she would not do damage to herself.

But as you flip the pages of the album you can follow her growth, her development. She went from this "thing" clinging to the edge of life, to the strong, healthy girl she is today, almost 10 years later.


My niece is a strong, determined, stubborn person. Her mother is the same. And she owes her life to these very qualities, without them she would not be here.

Ellandi was born to dedicated parents who spent every possible minute with her. They gave up their lives, their friends and their income, to care for their daughter. They sat with her day and night, her tiny hands gripping their fingers. They sang for her, told her stories and read to her. Their devotion was unconditional.

Tears will well in Athena's eyes as she reads this, that much I am sure of. Naturally it was a life-altering experience, even more so than most of us experience with the birth of our first child.

She attributes the success, not only of Ellandi's survival, but also her strong health, to two things - Kangaroo Care and good nutrition as she got older. She touched her daughter in some way, every moment during the 10-12 hour days with her. They made sure Ellandi knew her parents were there for her.

So of course the article about the Kangaroo Pouch and method, caught my attention this morning as I read the paper. I was also surprised and pleased to read about the first ever European Conference on Kangaroo Mother Care being held this October - here is Sweden!
The conference is being hosted by The Academic Hospital in Uppsala, who according to the article, are one of the forerunners in using the method in Sweden.

It seems the method, having been first used in Colombia in the '70s, and introduced to Sweden in the late '80s, is experiencing a revival worldwide. Research has shown that it is as successful than the incubator, in some cases, better. The skin to skin contact enables the infant to maintain a steady temperature, pulse, breathing and oxygen intake. Research shows that breast-feeding is established much faster and the child is more harmonious. They cry less and have a higher pain tolerance than infants cared for by traditional methods, separated from thier parents.

It is good news all round. It goes to show, machines just can't replace people, at least not in every case. We sure are glad that Ellandi is a Kangaroo baby!

Protecting our Children

Neither of my babes were particularly enthusiastic about going to Lillgården today, not even Makaila. Kieran was home Friday after ear-aches during the night and had basically been at home, inside, for three days. Breaking the habit is hard.

I left Makaila sitting on Anette's knee and I started to wonder how much she was missing Lucille. Lucille returned to her native France at Easter and Makaila lost one of her friends, again. Now there are three girls in her group, and even if they mix around we all know three is an odd number. Luckily she has a brother and doesn't think twice about playing with the boys. But boys will be boys, and she says she "hates" cars.



So I asked her and she said, yes, she was missing Lucille........

I took Kieran out to Eija and held him for a while while I talked to her. He had been telling me all morning he wasn't going. He was staying home with me. As we walked out he asked me if Nora was there, I didn't have the heart to tell him she wasn't coming today. I passed him over to Eija and went inside again without any of the dreaded tears. She held him for a moment before he wanted to get down and play.

I stopped on my way past to talk to Eija and we stood watching the boys play. There has been a change to his little group of five with the oldest moving to another group and a younger child coming in. I watched them play and saw how it has changed the dynamics, Kieran no longer has Josef all to himself. Needless to say the language hinders him as does his shy, gentle nature. He stood to the side and watched the other two boys. No wonder he was asking after Nora......

I know I have many of these times ahead. Watching my children in difficult situations, guiding them and waiting for it to pass. It doesn't make it any easier. In time the dynamics will change again, Kieran's Swedish will improve, and tomorrow Nora will be there. The other little boy arrived as I left and I walked away hoping that would improve the dynamics. It is tough being a kid, it is tough being a mum.

I walked to the station, grabbing a paper on my way in and sat on the train reading about the dreaded Engla case. I was saddened last night to hear that they had found her body, it hit home this morning as I read the details.

10 year old Engla went missing last weekend. She was riding her bike home from football training for the first time, her bike was found a street away from her home. Such a short distance, several calls on her phone to her mother along the way, yet, she didn't make it home.


She went missing the day after we had been to see Lova and her 10 year old siblings, less than a week after we had said goodbye to 9 1/2 Ellandi at the airport, an excited Ellandi who will be able to ride to school once they move in May........

The tears welled as I read the news, they flowed as I read Hillevi Wahl's column in Metro. She describes how I feel to a T. Engla's mum was quoted as saying she would not give up until she could bring Engla home, well now she can. What parent is not morning with Engla's parents? The worst that can happen, has happened.

Rest In Peace Engla.

As Hillevi says, no matter how much we want to protect our children, we can never protect them from everything. Not from losing friends, not from group dynamics, and not from unknown danger. Not now, not when they are ten, not ever......

But mum, you already know that now don't you.